Laundry Part 1

What is normalcy? 

A kind lady once told me, 

"Tiffany, normal is a setting on a washing machine."

Now, that makes a lot of sense if you really think about it. Normal can be boring like the snoring churn a washing machine makes. It can lull you right into bland. A strange thing: the way we do not mix light colored items with the darker ones. And towels, well they're supposed to be washed separate, right?

Well, I say mix those colors bright, once they've been washed a first time (even the reds) politely toe the line of normal, no dyes have yet to recolor my wash, not even when I tried. So, I will make a case for mixing laundry, because it's okay. It is time to realize that the colors are pretty safely staying put on their own fabrics. As for towels, those are the wrench, depending on their color and fluffy like puff stuff (the terry can vary), so towels are up in the air. They require a risk on your part...will they? won't they? But?? If? Good, now were asking questions, that's a good thing. Because, much can be learned from the topic of laundry. So lets mess up the rules and rework them into something more fantastical.

The Newer Rules of Laundry = Normal is Now Out, Meaning Mixing Risky Colors is IN

1. Always wash your clothes of all colors together, especially if they've been washed before, it's safe, it's time saving and even eco friendlier.

2. Avoid white towels, if you wish to mix towels in, white is tricky and sticky, ever pull that once resplendent black shirt out of a dryer only to say UH-OH! If you let a white towel get into the mix...you get the garment equivalent of a dalmatian or something even harrier, like a white fluffy Persian cat hopped in for a quick bath.

White towels are very normal, but they do funky abnormal stuff to the other colors. So, white towels are no longer normal, they are time takers and trouble makers. You know what I mean, you find yourself with that roller thing with the tape and you're frantically trying to un-hair your clothing, while, of course, you're late. Those things always seem to occur when a pressing event is looming and you're already negative ten minutes behind, as in really really late. So, for the sake of sanity, white towels no moreth!

3. Fabric softeners?!? Really? Do we really need our fabric so much more soft? Is fabric softener even a scientifically proven factually based  positive thing that does what it claims? I have yet to notice fabric softener doing anything miraculous for my own threads. So, when I shop in that aisle I cock one wary eyebrow at those blue suspicious softener bottles, seems like a ruse. Yet another way to pimp more money out of people. Does that kinda' pimpin' repay? In softness? Nope, not gonna work on this trick. Now, let us ask, is fabric softener normal? Is it necessarily needed? Are you really feeling a super extra softness when you don that shirt? Yes, the one you washed with that strange teddy bear fabric softener? My clothes don't feel like a teddy bear, if they did I'd be freaking out--Yeti style. I say fabric softener is abnormally acting too normal, too useful, where's the data? I need some real scientific factual information concerning these softening products. 

What we can learn from fabric softener: less is more, save your money, and just buy a snugly bear if you want to cuddle some soft stuff. You'll save money and bond with an object that promotes self-soothing. Yep, that sounds better to me...and why the pink caps? Why pink for softener? Just why? Really?

4. Double rinsing your clothes, unless you're a jungle monkey crazed outdoors man/woman or a true lover of mud fights, double rinsing seems like a waste of water and time. I say that's not normal in a good way. I say nay to the double rinse. Unless you're super duper dirty, as in, metal shavings are all up in your clothing, then abstain from the double rinse, lest you be cast as a water waster! In Texas that's a serious offense, we have a drought on cycle, rinse, and repeat, it's just understood we're going to have a drought every year. So, those of you that dwell in the more watery states, save some for us! Washington State, you know what I'm talking about, Oregon too. Sorry PNW, but you do get some of the best weather ever, I can say so because I've lived amongst thee way up there...shout out to Olympia! BTW, the last domed state capitol was built in Olympia, WA. THE LAST ONE...for now anyway...History changes, like science, and most knowledge...the shoulders of giants we stand upon!

5. The Most Magical Laundry Item apart from the actual soap: DRYER SHEETS! Can I get a sarcastic, yet fully agreeing aawomen?!?! Seriously, dryer sheets are magical, they smell like goodness and happy smiles. I will say bounty and gain are the top picks, smell-wise. I have smelt them all, save for the ones with a seal on them, because that's just creepy marketing. I do not want to smell like a seal pup. I'd like to feed one fish and watch it play, but I don't quite get why a seal is a good spokesperson for good smelling laundry...something fishy about that, literally, fish is what seals smell like! and not the sushi grade typa' fish we love to eat. So, dryer sheets are a yay if they are seal-less, they make things smell twice as good and you can use the used sheet to clean out your lint filter! That's a reusable sheet my friends, we're getting closer to the point...eco friendlier time savers and avoiding laundry scams (ahem, softeners).

6. Dryer Balls, a big NAY on those. Just the name alone is off putting. But really, and most importantly,  something that looks like a blue rubber dog ball, gets treated like one in my house. Best keep that dryer ball away from your really confused pet and make sure they do not attempt to catch that ball as you fling it into the dryer, unbeknownst to you, you could lose a much loved familial pet with those dryer balls. They just wanna catch it, what happens when they do? If you ever hear a loud thud and you use a dryer ball and own pets, you best start looking in the dryer for them, that thumping laundry could just be your dog dying a sad-sad death. No one wants that, ever, normally anyway. If you do want that, then you best take the "Am I a Serial Killer? Quiz". Google it. Oh, and if you need to take that quiz, please excuse yourself from this blog. Seriously. In Texas we love guns, so stay away serial or even semi-serial killers. Sorry, this is not the blog for you. Go to the dark net so Anonymous can catch you!

7. This one will not sit well with some, but the tides have turned AWAY from TIDE. Tide is evil incarnate (as far as soap goes). Did you know more people are allergic to Tide than any other major brand of laundry soap? T'is true, I am a survivor of Tide hives, thrice times! It's too full of something abnormal, too many people get a rash from it, does that not beg the question, what the hell is in Tide anyway?? I mean seriously, what is in it and why is it blue-ish? Why is so much blue involved with laundry's seedier side? I see blue, I think beware! And Tide just makes it easy, it comes in a brightly colored bottle that smacks of rashy colors to me. Red/orange, a very telling clue as to what can happen if you use that stuff. Tide can ebb off, and yeah, I know they make a sensitive formula, but it's still bad and causes rashes. So, by changing the font and color and scent I am not convinced, as I'v done the research, I gave my skin to science for one day to test this sensitive Tide, and let me tell you, Tide has no sensitive side. If there was a big flood in Texas (yeah, I know, haha), and that big Tide laundry bus rolled up offering to do my laundry for me, i'd run the other way. It's just too powerful and causes rashes to appear on a large number of people. So, TIDE, why not rework your product and quite maiming everyone with the second coming of something very much akin to having the chicken pocks. T'is not charity if it hurts! Any of you out there that are allergic to Tide let me make a recommendation for you...Gain! I'm allergic to lots of soaps, except for Gain, so I give it my highest rating as far as the BIG brands go.

8. This laundry stuff is getting off topic, my apologies, the point is:

Mix your colors! Have some fun and save some time and money. Question the iffy products, because really, many things, like Lysol for instance, have been miss marketed in the past. Did you know Lysol was originally designed to be a douching liquid for feminine hygiene!  LYSOL??? Up in there, for real, look up the ole ads, you'll see what i'm talking about. Love thy non-seal dryer sheets, they even can be used as these great little anti-frizz cloths you can rub your hair with to keep static at bay! That's a mighty useful product, it  works on more than one level! Avoid towels that are too white or too black, go with a nice middle of the spectrum color, when in doubt, do the Goldilocks test (that should be self explanatory) . Tide should be banned or made to put a warning label on their product, at least until we know why it's causing so many rashes on so many people, even my 3 year old is allergic. There is something in that stuff! Also, avoid Dryer Balls like the plague if you have pets, lest you lose one incidentally (pets, not the ball, lose the ball, quit torturing your confused pets). Lastly, double rinse only when needed and most importantly, if you are a serial killer please leave this blog, seriously, be noble and turn yourself in! 

p.s. when in doubt, throw out the rules and make up your own, mine be damned!